To Start -- Liliana

Documenting my experiences with the Jewish Community:

"Becoming part of a community" was a phrase I hardly understood the first time I was truly confronted by it. I remember, probably about a year ago, telling my Jewish boyfriend, Adam, how cool Judaism was and how I wanted to be a part of it to be able to share it with him but at the same time warning him that he should NOT expect me to really be a part of any community ever. "I've spent my whole life not feeling like part of a community and I don't see how that could change ever..." I said.

Today things are quite different. I feel like the same person but I certainly talk like a different one. "Community" has taken on a new role in my life. Both my personal experiences and my classroom experience (having chosen to take courses that really stress and analyze the importance of community) have been factors in this process. I have gone from observer to participant and to be completely honest its a little scary but also very fun.

Now it's a little late in the game but I thought I would try and write down a little of what I've been through on this journey up to this point. Let's start at the beginning of this year or at least close to it.

On January 23rd my first Jewish conversion class took place at 6:45pm in Manhattan. I was surprised to see that so many people were also following this path with me. I could hear jokes around the room of people telling stories about how people would ask them "Why in the world would you want to become Jewish, I mean it's one thing if you are born into it and have to deal with all the rules but why would you choose to take Judaism on on your own???"

People I knew had been telling me similar things since I was young ...even before I was even familiar with Judaism. However, when I was younger my "rules" or choice of actions weren't following any particular community structure, they were just personal choices that ended up making me a little outside of the communities I had around me.

So why would someone choose to do "restrict" their choices. Just to annoy other people and try and be counterculture? Just to give more meaning to their life by looking for something beyond what is meaningful to the people around them? It all seemed a little selfish. So I was conflicted with this paradox for awhile.

To quote my mother's response to my choices in life, she writes, "It does sound very selfish the desicion to convert to judaism. It is like throwing away all the freedom you were raised up with."

But I have always made choices that seem to "throw away" my freedom. Like not wanting to date anyone, not buying nice stuff, fasting, not going out hardly ever, being a vegetarian, quitting smoking, not wanting a car...in fact, not too long ago I had wanted to be a nun and going into any religious order automatically places upon you many restrictions. Now you probably think I sound like an ascetic or something. But I think the important question is whether you really think these rules are good for you and whoever you care for and whether you actually made the choice to follow them. Everyone has to choose the rules they live by even if their rule is to not follow any other rule. As far as the selfish thing goes....anyone can argue (and many people do) that whatever you do in life has selfish motives. But as you'll see later....I'm starting to understand this a bit differently.

Ok so I went on a bit of a tangent...but let me try and tie this in ....next post!