The Story--Part IV Introduction into the community

Now that I'm converting I'm starting to interact with Jewish people in an interesting way. Suddenly, I'm not just Adam's non-Jewish girlfriend but I am Jewish (well almost) but that's how I am treated.

Something I remained amazed with, after choosing to convert, was the immediate change in everyone who had originally so strongly disapproved of our relationship. Everyone of Adam's family and friends were accepting and embracing.

I started taking classes and studying Judaism and Hebrew regularly as part of the process and started realizing how study is an integral part of Judaism and would be so even after the conversion was done. The first holiday was a lot of fun. Adam and I spent it in Michigan and dressed up as the “dude” from the Big Lebowski. While at first, I took on the rules with the intention of making exceptions for myself, like for example turning off the lights on Shabbos to save energy, I started to begin to realize how special experiencing Shabbos as a community with following all the rules could be and another integral part of the rules is discussing how you can save energy and make life a little easier on Shabbos without breaking any rules. Like timers to turn lights off. Energy efficient bulbs and so on.

Keeping Kosher, too, I originally started to take on while assuming I would be making exceptions. For example, I figured I could still eat at vegetarian restaurants but now I am even coming to question doing this. There is something special about making something outside of oneself more important that just ones own desires. And having a community to support one another and share ones faith with is really an amazing experience.

The Story--Part III Making Peace and Understanding Aug 2007-Dec 2007

Fall 07, after a year of our relationship, Adam moved to Michigan for a Phd program in Statistics. The plan was for me to visit him four times during the semester and he me as well. The University of Michigan would be my first experience of Hillel, a university campus Jewish community. Also, being very long distance, this gave me much time for reflection and prayer.

Why is our relationship unaccepted? Why, having fallen in love with someone for the first time in my life, is it such a terrible thing to those closest to Adam and even a bit for Adam himself? Why does God have me meet this boy and, after years of wanting to be a nun, have me fall for him? For what purpose is our relationship? What does God want from me?

All the while, my visits to Adam and my experiences with the Jewish community in Michigan were going remarkably well. I loved Adam’s friends, I loved the services, and while I still felt a little out of place, my “acceptance” into the community felt more genuine and I was able to be more comfortable and talked to more people (that were not Adam) about Judaism. I even managed to befriend other Jewish students who Adam didn't know. I started to really like Judaism. Before, I wasn’t happy about it, possibly because Adam wasn’t happy with it either. It felt exclusionary, closed, sometimes insincere. But now, it seemed more real, more exciting and strong. Adam was happier and becoming more observant because of his more structured and secure life habits that Hillel brought and I was able to see this happiness and experience this community along with him. I realized I thought Judaism was great. Just like everything it has its ups and downs but I truly saw goodness and genuineness and a striving to be better. It was done then. I decided Judaism was what God wanted for me having given me Adam and having showed me the importance and beauty of this way of serving him.


work in progress

The Story--Part II Face to Face May 2007

For months, Adam and I tried to reconcile our religions. He came to church with me while I went to shul with him on Shabbos. Both of us always managed to feel like an outsider. But most especially me since after shul there would always be a little gathering with some food to eat and I would manage to sit next to someone who would ask me about the Jewish community in Troy… “ummm…I am not Jewish,” I would say awkwardly. While I was impressed with the friendliness of the community, I felt pretty awkward and uncomfortable and almost afraid of being unaccepted. Adam would take me to Conservative and Reform shuls to try and make things easier for me since they had more English included in the services as opposed to Orthodox where the majority of prayers are in Hebrew and where we could sit side by side so he could show me where we were. Even at Shabbos meals, which we would spend with Adam’s friends who were accepting of us, I was insecure, uncomfortable, and quiet. This experience for me was obviously one that affected my relationships with all Jewish people that I met, it was really very sad. One Shabbos, Adam and I were uninvited to a meal by his good friend because of my non-Jewishness. This was very disappointing and upsetting. However, while many people were concerned for Adam's decision to date someone non-Jewish everyone was very cordial and polite to me.

For Purim, a Jewish holiday, we were invited to Adam’s rabbi’s house to celebrate. This was very sweet of them and fun especially because we got to wear costumes!

His rabbi told Adam that he should show me how beautiful Judaism is so that I would consider conversion. I appreciated his understanding of our situation and way of embracing me into their home. However, for his rabbi and for many people closest to Adam, our relationship was unacceptable.

The Story--Part I Breaking into the community

Breaking the news to friends and family that he was dating a Catholic girl was a painful process for Adam. While some of his friends were excited for us and very curious to meet this girl Adam had fallen for 4 years back, others were much less thrilled. The news came as a shock to Adam’s family and his more observant Jewish friends. Adam is in love, that’s great…but with someone who wasn’t Jewish, that’s terrible. Strong disapproval came from many angles and not taking it personally was a challenge for me. After all, they hadn’t even met me. It was clear that our relationship and the decisions we’d have to make would be challenging for us and affect the Jewish community and the often-mentioned idea of Jewish identity.

Jewish Community Experience/Project

Primary Actors
Liliana (ME) – Catholic Mexican 23 year old graduate student



Adam (Hebrew name: Abba) – Jewish 24 year old science writer than graduate student. Currently, my promised.


Reagent
El Amor between myself and Adam that after 4 years finally led to us becoming a couple on August 14, 2006.

Affected actors within the Jewish Community
Adam’s family, Rabbis, Adam’s high school friends, Adam’s NYC friends, Adam’s new friends in Michigan, Chabad family, Jewish community in general

Project/Life Experiences: Introduction of reagent into Jewish community

STORY/Results:
Before I broke into the Jewish community my boyfriend, Adam, was experiencing fear. Fear. Towards what I was told were such good and loving people didn’t make sense to me. However, I came to see the complexities and gravity of the situation.

Feelings towards INTERMARRIAGE: When Adam was 10 years old, his father pulled him and his little brother aside and made it very clear to them “You are to date only Jewish girls.”

When Adam, at age 24, pained but determined chose to date me, a Catholic girl, his parents then told him, “You are throwing away your Jewish identity.”
Identity? What does that mean? It would take me over a year to understand.

Prologue-- Why Liliana is integrating into the Jewish community.

So I went over somewhat superficially a little background on Judaism. I am not sure what your impression was from reading this but if I made things sound simple and easy they certainly have not been :(
You might be wondering why I decided to convert in the first place and enter into this new world and stretch not only my own boundaries but that of others as well...

In the picture: That's Adam. I fell for him about 5 years ago and we started dating a little over a year and a half ago. He's very Jewish and his family is too. We didn't start dating 5 years ago because I was not Jewish. Making the decision to convert took almost a year of both learning about Judaism and trying to understand why it was so important for Adam to marry someone who was Jewish. It was pretty crazy. Adam was stressed and confused, his family was very angry with him for dating a non-Jew which I found very difficult to understand especially having not ever felt like part of a community and certainly not tied to a community in any way. So I decided it would be best, because I love Adam and we both wanted to be together, for me to convert. For myself, it wasn't such a big change. Of course some religious people think I'm completely confused and lost but my whole faith basis just happens to be pretty consistent with almost any religion so switching from Catholicism to Judaism was just a matter of expressing my faith in a different way. And of course, in a way which I thought was good. But conversion is a long and tedious process. While you learn a lot it is time consuming and kind of uncomfortable since it feels like you are being judged. But aside from that, it has been an amazing experience becoming a part of this community. I'll try to sum it the process and story in the next few posts...

Jewish Customs Part III -- Fashion

There are a few things that distinguishes a Jewish person from those around them. Like the way they dress. Not all Jews wear these things but quite a few do and so I thought I would talk about them a little.

First, there is the kippa. I bring this one up first because this is what my boyfriend wears everyday. As far as I know, there is no rule that requires one to wear a kippa but it has become a meaningful tradition to remind one of God's presence above them.

It's less common among women to wear kippas, at least in Orthodox Judaism but I won't get into the movements within Judaism here. In very traditional or observent groups, men also wear payos. This is done because in the Torah it says that one should not cut the hair on that part of the head. So it grows out very long. There are also Jewish men who just grow out their beards really long too. For women, the tradition has been to wear skirts. I heard someone in class saying she feels more comfortable in skirts because they are less revealing then pants and thus she can be more modest. There are certainly skirts that are not considered "modest" but one is to use their own judgment when wanting to be modest. Another practice for married women is to cover their hair either with a hat, scarf or even wig. These practices aren't really difficult for me because I have always been pretty modest...maybe even to the point of being ridiculous some might think since I almost always (except like once in my life) worn a big shirt over my bathing suit and as an adult don't even own a bathing suit. I just use a shirt and shorts...haha. The only thing is that it gets a little warm when i have on layers of clothes. And I am very "tomboyish" so wearing a skirt sometimes gets in the way. But it is nice anyway.

Jewish Customs Part II --The Day of Rest!

Then there is Shabbos! I'm really amazed by people who keep Shabbos. It is so much fun and really relaxing. I like having a day out of the week where you don't think about work at all and you hang out with a lot of other people who aren't thinking about it either. Because of all the specific rules it's hard for observant Jews to get around having to be together. I feel like this part of Judaism is what brings people together the most in a very consistent way. No driving, no electricity, no writing, ect. The closest I can do to do work is read and think but without being able to write anything down to remember these things, it really doesn't get me very far.

So I should explain where the rules for Shabbos come from. So a long long time ago, the Jewish people sat down and had to decide what doing work meant, this being because in the Torah God commanded the Jews to keep the Sabbath day holy or basically to not work. So the Jewish people at the time agreed that work would be defined by the 39 actions described in the Torah of the building of the temple. These included lighting fires, carrying things, ect. And for modern times, all these rules have to be made to fit the things that we do today. Some of the funnier ones include not ripping things on a seam, not turning lights on and off, and not biting your nails. Right before Shabbos starts one should light candles and say a blessing. There are also lots of different prayers that you do on Shabbos including Kiddush which you do over a glass of wine before starting your Shabbos meal. The meal is always prepared before Shabbos starts since it is a rule to not cook during Shabbos and it usually includes Challah which is a braided type of bread that is really yummy but can use other types of bread too. All these rules give Shabbos a certain spirit that makes it so much more different than any other day of the week.

My personal experience with Shabbos is mixed. While I love everything we do, especially when/if we sing, I find it difficult to keep Shabbos completely. It can be frustrating to other people who do not want to keep Shabbos (but who I am with on Shabbos) because I don't want to drive places. When I used to go to church it was a lot simpler since it was just one hour out of the day. So I would go and come back and could do whatever. But Shabbos is about 25 hours long and on the weekend when everyone else is off too and wants to go out and do things. This makes me a little sad because I do not want to distance myself from people who I love who are not Jewish but I am suddenly more burdensome for them because I am keeping what seems to them very strange practices. But I think and hope that they will come to love Shabbos too because there are so many things you can do on it like play boardgames and just sit around and talk or read or eat or sing. Or take walks together...

Description of Jewish Community

So now things are a bit different. I'm taking on these new, very specific practices that actually DO make me part of a community. I should talk a little bit about what exactly I do differently before I tell you how its affected my life...

So there is Kashrut which are the rules that govern food. I've started to notice that there are different levels of observance. "I keep Kosher" can mean a variety of different things but the main idea is to 'elevate' yourself by only eating certain types of foods i.e. making God first and food (or pleasure) second. This way they pleasure you enjoy is for God and thanks to God. Well that's my weird interpretation of it at least. Anyhow, the biggest rule is not to mix meat and milk. Being a vegetarian, this rule is not difficult for me. There are also rules about how to slaughter animals and which animals are not suitable for eating, like pigs and certain types of seafood.

One of the more modern ways of trying to regulate things is by putting symbols on packages that indicate whether a food is Kosher and whether it is dairy, meat, or parve (nuetral).
But just because something is not certified doesn't necessarily mean it's not kosher...it does, after all, cost money to certify things. This whole certification thing is pretty new too since before they didn't have the technology to be able to do this. But then there is the issue with Kosher dishes which does complicate things. You see, in the past the cookware that you used would many times absorb the flavor of foods and then this flavor would get transferred to other things that you cooked so to be very careful people started using different dishes for meats and milks. The rules get really complicated so I won't explain them here (and even if I tried I'd probably get them all wrong :P) but today people don't think that flavors get transferred and you should just wash your dishes really well and so some people don't separate and some do. Now this makes it difficult for just any restaurant to be Kosher. It would have to only serve meat or milk dishes and all the ingredients it used would have to be certified and none of it's cookware or dishes could have been previously used for whatever it is they don't serve there (meat or milk)...and i'm just simplifying things....i think...

So the results of trying to be an observant Jew I have come to see as this: for one thing I think it's neat because when you go out to eat, you must go to a Kosher restaurant which there aren't that many so you end up seeing the same people and you all have this bond that you choose to eat this type of food. Which is neat. However, the fact that you are "limited" to these restaurants and also 'limited' in accepting friend's invitations to have dinner at their place is a little frustrating. It makes things a little exclusive which, coming from a non-Jewish background, is troubling to me. I mean, if I really want to be strict in my observance I wouldn't be able to eat my own mother's home cooking :-/ However, at this point in my conversion that is not the case... and I hope that it won't be later either. But I probably should talk to my rabbi about it.

Food

Then there is Shabbos! I'm really amazed by people who keep Shabbos. It is so much fun and really relaxing. I like having a day out of the week where you don't think about work at all and you hang out with a lot of other people who aren't thinking about it either. Because of all the specific rules it's hard for observant Jews to get around having to be together. I feel like this part of Judaism is what brings people together the most in a very consistent way. No driving, no electricity, no writing, ect. The closest I can do to do work is read and think but without being able to write anything down to remember these things, it really doesn't get me very far. So I should explain where the rules for Shabbos come from. So a long long time ago, the Jewish people sat down and had to decide what doing work meant, this being because in the Torah God commanded the Jews to keep the Sabbath day holy or basically to not work. So the Jewish people at the time agreed that work would be defined by the 39 actions described in the Torah of the building of the temple. These included lighting fires, carrying things, ect. And for modern times, all these rules have to be made to fit the things that we do today. Some of the funnier ones include not ripping things on a seam, not turning lights on and off, and not biting your nails. Right before Shabbos starts one should light candles and say a blessing. There are also lots of different prayers that you do on Shabbos including Kiddush which you do over a glass of wine before starting your Shabbos meal. The meal is always prepared before Shabbos starts since it is a rule to not cook during Shabbos and it usually includes Challah which is a braided type of bread that is really yummy but can use other types of bread too. All these rules give Shabbos a certain spirit that makes it so much more different than any other day of the week.

My personal experience with Shabbos is mixed. While I love everything we do, especially when/if we sing, I find it difficult to keep Shabbos completely. It can be frustrating to other people who do not want to keep Shabbos (but who I am with on Shabbos) because I don't want to drive places. When I used to go to church it was a lot simpler since it was just one hour out of the day. So I would go and come back and could do whatever. But Shabbos is about 25 hours long and on the weekend when everyone else is off too and wants to go out and do things. This makes me a little sad because I do not want to distance myself from people who I love who are not Jewish but I am suddenly more burdensome for them because I am keeping what seems to them very strange practices. But I think and hope that they will come to love Shabbos too because there are so many things you can do on it like play boardgames and just sit around and talk or read or eat or sing. Or take walks together...

To Start -- Liliana

Documenting my experiences with the Jewish Community:

"Becoming part of a community" was a phrase I hardly understood the first time I was truly confronted by it. I remember, probably about a year ago, telling my Jewish boyfriend, Adam, how cool Judaism was and how I wanted to be a part of it to be able to share it with him but at the same time warning him that he should NOT expect me to really be a part of any community ever. "I've spent my whole life not feeling like part of a community and I don't see how that could change ever..." I said.

Today things are quite different. I feel like the same person but I certainly talk like a different one. "Community" has taken on a new role in my life. Both my personal experiences and my classroom experience (having chosen to take courses that really stress and analyze the importance of community) have been factors in this process. I have gone from observer to participant and to be completely honest its a little scary but also very fun.

Now it's a little late in the game but I thought I would try and write down a little of what I've been through on this journey up to this point. Let's start at the beginning of this year or at least close to it.

On January 23rd my first Jewish conversion class took place at 6:45pm in Manhattan. I was surprised to see that so many people were also following this path with me. I could hear jokes around the room of people telling stories about how people would ask them "Why in the world would you want to become Jewish, I mean it's one thing if you are born into it and have to deal with all the rules but why would you choose to take Judaism on on your own???"

People I knew had been telling me similar things since I was young ...even before I was even familiar with Judaism. However, when I was younger my "rules" or choice of actions weren't following any particular community structure, they were just personal choices that ended up making me a little outside of the communities I had around me.

So why would someone choose to do "restrict" their choices. Just to annoy other people and try and be counterculture? Just to give more meaning to their life by looking for something beyond what is meaningful to the people around them? It all seemed a little selfish. So I was conflicted with this paradox for awhile.

To quote my mother's response to my choices in life, she writes, "It does sound very selfish the desicion to convert to judaism. It is like throwing away all the freedom you were raised up with."

But I have always made choices that seem to "throw away" my freedom. Like not wanting to date anyone, not buying nice stuff, fasting, not going out hardly ever, being a vegetarian, quitting smoking, not wanting a car...in fact, not too long ago I had wanted to be a nun and going into any religious order automatically places upon you many restrictions. Now you probably think I sound like an ascetic or something. But I think the important question is whether you really think these rules are good for you and whoever you care for and whether you actually made the choice to follow them. Everyone has to choose the rules they live by even if their rule is to not follow any other rule. As far as the selfish thing goes....anyone can argue (and many people do) that whatever you do in life has selfish motives. But as you'll see later....I'm starting to understand this a bit differently.

Ok so I went on a bit of a tangent...but let me try and tie this in ....next post!